[on the phone] wife: My mom tripped over the dog me: Is she ok? wife: Yeah me: Can I talk to her? wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

How do Mr. and Mrs. Weasley have sex? gingerly.

Apparently people keep mistaking me for their Mirrors because they keep saying I’m ugly or fat

Why do physicists love going to church It’s the center of mass

What do the Post Office and a shoe store have in common? Thousands of brown loafers

A squirrel and an elephant are in the bathroom. The elephant in the tub says to the squirrel, we have no soap. The squirrel says… “OH YEAH? NO SOAP RADIO!”

To Do List While in Jail 1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?” 2. 3.

So a proctologist is examining a patient. He pulls an anal thermometer out of his coat to make some notes. Looks at it and says “Damnit some asshole has my pen!”

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”. Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.