I like my lovers like I like my golf score Hand drawn, messy, and totally unconvincing.

What did Melania Trump say after being stopped by an officer? License and registration, please.

If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.

Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: *makes another plate of nachos*

What was the first 3D printer? Your butthole! *** This joke is awesome because it was created by a third grader where I teach.

Homeless people wouldn’t be half as poor if they didn’t waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

I have awful jet lag The WiFi on this airliner is just terrible

Fe Fi Fo Fum Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb