Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

Cowboy:” Give me three packs of condoms, please.” Cashier:” Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?” Cowboy: “Nah…She’s purty good lookin’….”

Whenever I conduct a job interview I ask the applicant to name their favorite Muppet, and no matter the answer I scowl and shake my head.

What does a bug say when it accidentally breaks its exoskeleton? You gotta be chitin me!

How did I sleep in college? I slept like a baby… I woke up every two hours to vomit, shit myself and cry myself back to sleep.

4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer? Me: No. 4: Can I check? Me: Do you have a warrant?

Learning about frequency is so boring … It literally Hertz.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Espanol marque dos Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

A lot of people say I’m condescending… (That means I talk down to people)