we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

How do you say goodbye to a thousand Japanese people? A big wave

I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.

Fat people just want to get into your pantries.

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside” ME: Oh thank god “It’s who you are on the inside” ME: Dang

If you’re nervous about speaking in public just imagine everyone holding a meatball sub. Even if you’re not nervous picture it. It’s amazing

He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy. I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.

A bar walks upto a bar… Hows that even possible

To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”