What type of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers

If your gift says “from Mom and Dad” you just know Dad has absolutely no idea what’s inside it.

Here it is, folks: “Do imaginary octopi have … (wait for it) (wait for it) PRETENDACLES?”

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

My corn tortillas want me to like them on Facebook. Fuck the future.

I’m not afraid that the world is going to end…. I’m afraid that it isn’t going to change….

How does Professor Charles Xavier Apologise? He says “Cerebro”

Let’s do them. What do you call a group that only wants a Ninja? Goad-diggers.

The phrase “watching paint dry” should be replaced with “listening to people talk about brewing their own beer.”

Yo mama so fat.. I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.