What kind of book did Frankenstein’s monster like to read? One with a cemetery plot.

At my funeral, I want a homie to adjust my junk one last time. I’m not gonna rest peacefully if my balls are pinched between my legs.

My ex and I broke up because she said she couldn’t be with someone who wanted her to change. I just wanted her to stop sleeping with my friends.

The best things in life are free. Who let them out?! I PAID GOOD MONEY TO IMPRISON THEM

LGBT Girl Scout Leader Arrested She was thrown in jail for eating Brownies.

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?! Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

I told a joke to my Jewish friends about kosher food, but they didn’t like it at all… they said it was too ham-fisted.

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

What’s the difference between a Therapist and The Rapist? Just a little space

I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. -Emo Philips