TEIAM – problem solved fuckers

I like my slave like I like my frees Coffee.

What’s the difference between Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump? Reagan helped tear down a wall.

Me: *crawls in window* Him: What are you doing?! Me: You’re my boyfriend now? Him: I’m calling the cops Me: But you retweeted me??

I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.

A guy walks into a bar “Ow,” he says.

You people remind me of lemons…. You’re sour, some people like you, and your juices can be squeezed out for money.

Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?….. Are you paying too much for electricity?

Sorry if you already know this one A Hipster, a vegan and a feminist walk into a bar… How do I know? They have already told everybody about 6 times in 5 minutes

Bring an urn speed dating. Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”