What do you give the guy who has everything? Penicillin

I was suffering from constipation the other day but I really didn’t care In fact, I didn’t even give a shit.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My girlfriend is in Mexico for vacation and if she has a Juan night stand while she’s down there, her and I are totally done.

A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

Mommy mommy what happened to all your scabs …[NSFL] Shut up and eat your corn flakes!

[Commercial] *Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple* Narrator: “If only there was a better way?” [On Screen Caption] TEETH

What is the difference between a 5 and a 2? 3.

It’s hunting season and fox like you shouldnt be out in the open!

so I painted my computer black the other day… I thought it would run faster. Turns out it stopped working.