What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? The P. If the P was taken away, he would be irate

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

I tried to set our Computers Password to “MyDick” But was disappointed when it said “Error: Not Long Enough”

There are two types of friends: Those that keep your car clean And Julian FUCKING JULIAN

Never underestimate the power of a woman’s INTUITION. Some women can recognize game before you even play it.

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

So far my toddler’s most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.

*speaks at high school graduation* Your 12 year free trial has expired. To continue your education please submit your credit card info.

When the cashier asks, “Paper or plastic”, I say, “Plastic”, then use the bag to suffocate a bird in the parking lot while staring him down.

Yo mama so fat when she went to Walmart, she tripped on Walgreens, and landed right on target