When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

You know why /r/jokes doesn’t allow pictures? thatsthejoke.jpg

Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he’s in the Ukraine? The Crimea River

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.” *5 mins later* “This was a terrible idea.” *more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

Why are frogs happy? Because they eat what bugs them.. Source: 3rd grader told me this joke..

My work ethic could best be described as “procrastinate as much as possible then frantically scream OH FUCK right before the deadline.”

I know I’ve had enough to drink when I suddenly know everyone’s middle name and it’s “Motherfucking.”

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

What’s the best remedy for a sex starved drug addict? A jack and coke.