My girlfriend says I can’t visualise things I can’t imagine why.

People ask if I saw any ‘Red Flags’… Well, I was an anarcho-capitalist and she was a Hoxhaist…

Out of all my body parts, my eyes are in the best shape… I roll them at least 489 times a day.

One problem I had with Catholicism as a child was… all the sexy priests.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

Emails So I had to stop redirecting my emails to the girls in my class. They said I was being too forward.

If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.