Remember, Christmas isn’t about how big your tree is, or what’s under it. It’s about who’s around it.

Congratulations are in order. I just got the stitches in the roof of my mouth removed from that bowl of Cap’n Crunch I had when I was 13.

So which Gate works at the army? Col.Gate I’ll leave now.

My new years resolution is the same as last year. 1920×1080

I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don’t mention it.

did you fall from heaven because your face is all screwed up

How to Skrillex sign his Valentine’s Day cards? I wub wub wub you….

Comedy legend Joan Rivers passed away. Hundreds of plastic surgeons mourn the loss of their jobs.

Why did the owl owl ? Because the woodpecker would peck ‘er !

*Mary Poppins voice* Ok, children! Time to go! [15 min later] *Batman voice* I said let’s go.