What’s the difference between black people and cancer? Cancer got Jobs.

Why did man invent curling? To convince women sweeping was a sport.

Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you’ve had 5 glasses.

I too was once a male trapped in a female body… But then my mother gave birth.

Spell “attic” without laughing out loud

“will you be paying with cash or credit?” “Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo *gets tackled by security*

What is created when you rub two oranges together? Pulp Friction

Her: Are you even capable of love? Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

I don’t watch soccer… If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.

Breaking News: Video has been arrested today & charged with the 1st degree murder of Radio Star.