Q: What’s a little quicker than a shark? A: The Little Mermaid on her period.

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

What is the difference between Coors beer and a … clitoris? A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.

Why did the blonde have a sore belly-button? Because she had a blond boyfriend.

The hardest part of being a congressman must be pretending to actually like the people where you’re from.

Being rich is like being pregnant Everyone is happy for you, but no one asks how many times you were screwed to get there.

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

What do you call a bird with big boobs? A para-teet.

Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.

What do you get when you cross Christmas and a Duck? A Christmas-Quacker!