What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys? Coach. What do you call one white guy surrounded by 100 black guys? Warden.

Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?” Me: “Sure” *walks up to girl* *whispers* “magnanimous”

Why’d you order the Fish n’ Chips? For the Halibut.

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

“Babe, is it in?” *”Yea.”* **”Does it hurt?”** *”Uh huh.”* **”Let me put it in slowly.”** *”It still hurts.”* **”Okay, let’s try another shoe size.”**

How many Dragon Ball characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just 1, but It’ll take 7 episodes for him to do it.

I like mixing laxatives and nitrous oxide on a regular basis, but it’s OK… …I only do it for shits and giggles.

What’s the best thing about turning 65? No more calls from insurance salesmen.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

An apple a day… Keeps the non-binary away