Someone came to my door today asking for donations to the local swimming pool So I gave them a glass of water

Why is Hillary Clinton just like a man? Because she won’t pull out until she’s done.

A heads up to girls on Facebook .. if your status says “single” and your profile picture is you with your cat – Well then no fucking shit

(Waiter) “What can I get you sir?” (Gastronomist) “Something with a simpler plot.”

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

I was playing the Witcher 3 and I realized It should be called the Bitcher, cause I slay more pussy than monsters. ( )

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Isn’t everyone gettin over racist jokes? Once you’ve heard Juan you’ve heard Jamal

I went to the Zoo the other day, but all it had was one dog. It was a shitzu.

why do they always say “fight fire with fire” in the movies and stuff? basic pokemon training renders that pretty ineffective