They say Margaret is a raving beauty. You mean she’s escaped from the funny farm?

holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn’t know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?

What Does A Chinese Man Need When Taking his Dog Out? Oven mitts.

“Will you spend the rest of my life with me?” “That depends. When are you going to die?”

Why kill time when you can make it work for you?

It feels like every time I look at the time it’s 9:11 I hope this doesn’t get me on a watch list.

I’d always wondered why they didn’t make pencils with erasers on either side Then I realised there wouldn’t be any point.

Almost all of the guys I drafted for my fantasy football team are football players which I think was a smart move

Why can’t ears have sex? They could get hearing AIDS!

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.