Google introduced a new smartphone alarm that can wake users up on the subway so they don’t miss their stop. As opposed to the alarm they use now: getting elbowed by the stranger they’re drooling on.

Did you hear about the clever nun who got tricked? She was nun the wiser

my phone keeps capitalizing my lols like i’m some kind of suburban mom with highlights and bedazzled jeans.

I’m told that if you eat pineapple or carrots in excess, your come will taste like that food… Is this why my Japanese girlfriend’s pussy tastes like raw fish?

I hate meeting new people. It’s like sitting through a fucking job interview to apply for the position of “acquaintance.”

Actually, there are but two types of people Those who can extrapolate from limited data …

What’s the difference between a crab with a boob job and a dirty bus station? One’s a busty crustacean and the other’s a crusty bus station.

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

[Interview] CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm? GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

Black ice is just like regular ice… Except it’s a better dancer…