I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

What is Reagan’s favorite vegetable? Jim Brady

Do you know why Cannibals don’t eat divorced women? Because they’re bitter.

My clearest memory of high school is my friend asking me if I brought gym clothes and me asking, “Who the fuck is Jim?”

The internet is amazing in its ability to speed up communication, for instance it used to take years to realize you hated your friends.

Take a chill pill? I had a friend overdose on chill pills you insensitive prick!

I like my women the way I like my coffee in a basket being touched by many Colombian men.

What’s Mike Tyson’s favorite Scarlett Johansson film? Luthy.

Why would Ellen Pao not do her own AMA? General Pao’s chicken.

A jumper cable walks into a bar… The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but you better not start anything!”