In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?

Bruno Mars is the best levitating vegetable magician I’ve ever seen. He can do 24 Carrot Magic in the Air

Good morning class, science is our lesson for today. Teacher: What is science? Student: Me Ma’am! Me! Teacher: Ok Pedro! What is science? Student: science is our Lesson for today.

Why haven’t they installed a mirror on cars that only covers your blind spot?

Don’t vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it!

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

I was searching for the end of the line. I tap a guy on the shoulder and ask, “excuse me sir, are you the last person in line?” Dude turns around, looks at me funny and goes, “no, you are.”

My favorite palindromes I’ve come across are tit and boob.

how do you know when your sister is on her period? your dads cock tastes like blood.

So I told my wife I ate a bunch of pineapple today 😉 But then as I came in her mouth, I said “oh yeah, and a bunch of bacon too”