[HR office] HR: you know why you’re here, right? Me: HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

What do you call someone who pretends to work in a victorias secret? A panty-mime

[court] ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex JUDGE: Who are you? You’re not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record

Bakers trade bread recipes… on a knead-to-know basis.

Does anyone have the address for starving kids in Africa? Our daughter doesn’t want her waffle fries.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU WOULDN’T KNOW!!! YOU WEREN’T THERE!

Camping as a couple is stressful… …it’s two in tents.