Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

DON’T TOUCH ME! AND YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT! -wives, on their period Or if they’re hungry. Or if you are actually breathing wrong.

Did you hear about that guy who got the entire left side of his body cut off? Yeah but he is all right now

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

What’s the cheapest form of birth control? Casey Anthony

What does marriage have in common with a deck of cards? In the beginning, you only need two hearts and a diamond. Later on, a club and a spade.

What’s black and doesn’t work? A broken TV………….. racist.

I thought time away from my phone would be good, but then I thought of a tweet & had to write it on a Post-it note like some fucking savage.

A young boy died after having sex with his teacher… His friends high fived him to death. Zak galifinakorishdjignko

Why don’t Jews eat pussy? It’s too close to the gas chamber