When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it’s an injured Transformer.

I never date girls from china… That’s a big red flag.

Like a flat tire…….how I’m rolling this morning.

“Daddy, are vampires real?” “No, sweetie. Go back to bed.” *waits until daughter is asleep* *grabs red Sharpie* *draws 2 dots on her neck*

I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.

I rode a taxi It was fake

Alcohol is like liquid Photoshop for real life.

Starbucks and Hooters should merge. Can you imagine ordering a Double D Latte? Everything you need in a cup or two.

Heard of the man who banged an ATM? He came into a lot of money

Wanna hear a joke about sodium? Na