My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

“Why does that guy always get all the women?” “I don’t know…he isn’t very handsome or rich” “And he’s a terrible conversationalist – all he does is sit there licking his eyebrows”

Ever wonder why tiny little paper cuts hurt so bad? Cause you’re a pussy

Museum Administrator: That’s a 500-year-old statue you’ve broken!! Sardar: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

How do you stop a baby from crawling in a circle? Nail it’s other hand to the floor.

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

the average Russian day When you ask a Russian how his day is going. “It is an average day today: not as good as yesterday, but better than tomorrow.”

Why are teenage girls so odd? Because they can’t even.

Why does OSHA hate porn? It’s nsfw