If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

What do you get when eating toast in bed? Un-crumb-fortable

It’s ironic that most people don’t understand irony

Why do humans mainly use the decimal number system? It’s just what we tend to do

So I bought a nihilistic pencil It’s pointless.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear? One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.

Why would Donald Trump want to lose the election? Winning means he’d need to live in a smaller house in a black neighborhood

How do you tell the difference between an East Indian Chef and a porn star? Ask them to pronounce the word cumin.

Figured out how to make my dick 1mm Fold it in half