Has anyone seen my sex doll? Of course I checked the tree house. Oh wait, it’s here on the front lawn, still in your wedding dress LOL

LMAOSHMSFOAIDMT = Laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco.

What has 3 thumbs and was born near a nuclear power plant? This guy

What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to go down a hill? Walking…JK, Rolling!

What do you call a black widow trapped in a bowl of noodles? Natasha Ramenoff

Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12… ….said Asiana’s attorney Wi Su Yu

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Why do female skydivers wear tampons? So they don’t whistle on the way down.

Dear movies, We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never. Sincerely, Women

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I’ll show you a man who’s trying to sleep with a vegan.