The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.

[2 Years into Cosmetology School] Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

It’s 2011 and we’re not driving dragons? The future sickens me.

I called my Colectomy surgeon’s office… To check on my appointment. A man with a Russian accent answered the phone saying, “Thank you for colon.”

I’m 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.

What do you say to a pregnant woman who wants to force her child to become a Rabbi? When is the baby Jew?

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

What do you call a rich South American? A Brazilianaire!

The angry moment when you plug your charger into your phone but you realize hours later your charger wasn’t plugged in.

For computer geeks. Less isn’t more, less is more.