If Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg adopted a child… they could call it Slush Puppy 🙂

hey girl, are you my mom? cuz i’d like to kill your husband and fuck you

Shoutout to rattlesnakes and condoms… Because I don’t fuck with either of them.

“Don’t dip your pen in company ink.” – HR training seminar explaining why I shouldn’t sleep with the receptionist…I think.

Women know that men are like linoleum . . . If they lay ’em right the first time, they can walk on them for years.

What do you call a closet full of lesbians? A liquor cabinet.

Two guys walk down the street And one falls through the window

What do you get when you cross pickle & deer? Dildo.

If I died & went straight to hell it would probably take me 2 or 3 weeks before I realized I wasn’t at work anymore.

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first? The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.