You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps. Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Have you heard about the new Corduroy pillow cases? They have made all the headlines.

There’s 3 kinds of people in this world people who can count, and people who can’t count

My girlfriend called me a pedophile yesterday… …so I said, “That’s a big word for a seven-year-old”

What does an Asian with the biggest erection get when he walks into a wall? A broken nose.

Check up time. I’ve just been for my 6 month check up and everything seem to be going well until he slipped his finger in to check my prostate. I will not be using that dental practise again.

100m Dash A girl says to her friend “The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash” Her friend says “What, over in 6 seconds?” “No, with 8 black men and a gun.”

If an elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party and a donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party what is a pig the symbol of? Any party where there’s lots of food.

Each of my 4 children has made me a better parent. So I figure I only need 34 more kids to be a pretty decent guy.