You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar. Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

If a dog sniffs your ass, you’re probably a bitch.

Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off He’s dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what’s left of him.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

What is Putin’s favorite Justin Timberlake song? Cremia River

My psychic friend is really excited about this new year. You could say he’s really looking forward to it.

What are your best corny jokes? I want them all! “What’s brown and sticky?” “A stick.”

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Did you hear about the kleptomaniac who went to the theater the other day? He stole the show!