Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.

How come Greek salad doesn’t have any lettuce? Austerity.

I hadn’t seen it in a while, but at a concert last night I saw someone using a disposable camera… It gave me a flashback

Someone once told me that nothing rhymes with orange … I said, “no it doesn’t….”

Irony is lost on kleptomaniacs because they take everything literally.

Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?” My name will always be Matt.

A man is in a car wreck and is rushed to the ER. When he wakes up he tells the doctor: “I can’t feel my legs!!!” The doctor replies: “I know, I cut your arms off.”

What did the butcher say when he handed his customer an empty pack of hotdogs on halloween? Happy halloweenie

What’s the difference between a baby and a trampoline? I take my shoes off to jump on a trampoline.