ducks love bread but aparently bread is bad for ducks, so dont feed ducks bread, but love ducks even more bc theyre self-destructive like us

Big bad wolf says to LittleRedRidingHood: Ho-ho-ho – I’m going to eat you all up! LittleRedRidingHood says: “Eat, eat, eat. Doesn’t anyone wanna fuck anymore?”

There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator Only a fraction of people will get this.

You say “tomato,” I say “tomato,” and there, we’ve written our own wedding vows

On his first day, my gay friend lost his job at the sperm bank. He was caught drinking on the job.

Did you hear about the broken watch from the 1800’s? It was a timeless classic.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall* Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

Whats the difference between Usain bolt and Hitler? Usain bolt can finish a race. Edit: Grammar

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

A blind man walks into a bar, and a chair, a table, and a human.