Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

They demolished my local Domino’s Pizza shop… yesterday, and then all the other shops on the street fell down.

I doubt Vodka is the answer, but it’s worth a shot

What do you call a skank playing “H.O.R.S.E?” She missed two shots, so she’s a ho. I’ll leave now.

A dog owner tells his dog.. Owner: “Who’s a good boy?” Doggo: “Did you just assume my gender?!”

Why did Sauron buy the sedan instead of the coupe? More doors.

Her: Do you kik? Me: Like rocks? Her: …….

If short people smoke weed… If short people smoke weed, do they get high or medium.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.