Making Asian food is easy… It’s a WOK in the park

My doctor just told me I’m suffering from paranoia. Well he didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking.

Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo… Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain

I went for my prostate examination this morning.After inserting a finger into my arse and having a good feel around, the doctor looked at me and said, “that should be my finger, not yours”

No matter if you are American or European 9/11 is a sad date

Me trying to impress a girl Girl: I’m Into horror movies Me: My dad’s a serial killer

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person.

What does a tight-rope walker eat for breakfast? A Balanced Diet!

I told a friend of mine that me and other friends were talking about him behind his back. He told me, “You disgust me.” And I said, “Yes. Yes we did.”

I don’t always date people with… I don’t always date people with chromosomes… But when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.