i know i’m getting old because i’m grumpy, i sleep early, and the devil appears with an empty hourglass whenever i shut my medicine cabinet

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

What is the difference between Donald Trump’s hair and a Headcrab? Nothing.

What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house? I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation.

The best part of September is fucking with Green Day during their hibernation.

What happens when Vladimir Putin stands up too fast? Head Russian…

What did one dog say to the other when he wanted a marker? “Pass the Shar Pei, please.”

Do you know you can’t hang a man with a wooden leg in Maine? You have to use a rope.

Noisy Nights by Constance Norah