“You know what? Guys should play ALL the parts. We could even wear dresses and kiss and stuff.” – Shakespeare’s gay friend

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

Guns don’t kill people People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

Where does Amy go after the explosion? EVERYWHERE!!!

[ISIS cuts off some dudes heads] Whoa thats messed up you better quit it! [ISIS breaks old rocks] OKAY WE HAVE TO STOP THEM NOW.

Apparently googling “how to get suspended with pay” from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.

A bunch of police officers were outside of a gas station today Apparently someone threw a case of beer ontop of his baby. The baby is okay though, it was a light beer

In hell, your socks are always wet

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me? Me: I want you. Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

Why didn’t the Smurfs fit in the house? There wasn’t [mushroom](http://i.imgur.com/Yt9AWCO.jpg)