What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.

Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren’t worth it.

What makes light beer and having sex on a canoe essentially the same thing? They are both fucking close to water.

Why did the Titanic have a hard time getting a date? It couldn’t break the ice.

A man visits a prostitute The man says, “I want to have sex with you for $200, but then I also want to hit you” The prostitute asks, “For how long?” The man replies, “Until I have my money back!”

Every time I see an obese family at a buffet, I throw a sack of marbles onto the table and have a live showing of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Why are TV’s attracted to people? Because we turn them on. /*Badumtss*/

Text from niece: I’m board! M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling. N: Wat?

Why don’t old women ever have sex? ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.