Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

What did the businessman wear to the thai restaurant? A plaid tie.

I’ve always wanted a job cleaning mirrors… It’s just something I can see myself doing.

“Pikachu, use astonish!” *Leans into opponent’s ear* “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.”

My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.

I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese.

If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.

Anyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people. ^im ^so ^sorry

I’ve seen: UFOs Ghosts A Two Headed Turtle Kimodo Dragons But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

I skipped the 9 puns and killed the last one. That’s a pun in ten dead.