What will men do if women become extinct? Domesticate another animal.

[commercial] Narrator: These are real people and not actors- Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer? He had loco motives

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead… Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a c*nt.

The iPhone doesn’t have a headphone jack and the Samsung battery is exploding… It’s like the mobile equivalent of our presidential election!

What’s Rick Grimes’ favorite holiday? Christmas, Carl

MATH JOKE: The ladies call me an integral …because I fill the area under their curves

*Tries to hit the gym* *Gym hits back*