Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

I named my eraser Confidence It gets smaller every time I make a mistake.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

What’s smaller than a teenie weenie ant? An ant’s teenie weenie!

Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh it’s all right. I know what’s inside.

Texting someone back while driving just means that you love them enough to actually die for them.

The police are looking for a thief with one eye Why don’t they use two?

What do you call a party with no Filipino people? A no-Nguyen scenario.

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

You know, gas prices really aren’t that bad when you consider that you’re essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.