I told this guy I was arguing with if he stepped one more step closer I would hit him in the face, but he kept walking right to me. I guess he didn’t understand the punchline.

How much lube does the Hamburglar need to fuck his kinky girlfriend? About a quart to pound her with cheese.

Life is life, Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.

What is the difference between my car and Whitney Houston? My car can hit 50.

Girls are like math problems… If they are under 18, it’s best you do them in your head.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

My parents are mixed raced. My Dad prefers the 100 meters, and my mother is Pakistani. ~ Stewart Francis.

What is Dwight Schrute’s hometown? Nanda Parbeets.