What’s grey and comes in quarts? Elephants

Me: C’mon, baby. Send me a pic. Her: I dunno. Me: Baby, please. I need it. Her: Fine. *Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck* Me: Sweeeeeet

Saudi TV Mistake Saudi Arabia TV reported the Brussels attack 15 minutes earlier than it actually happened. Saudi TV sincerely apologizes for this innocent mistake.

President Lincoln “I’m going to miss you, President Lincoln,” said John Wilkes Booth. Booth lied. He didn’t.

What does my ex and a tampon have in common? They’re both stuck up cunts.

“Does this leaf make me look fat?” – Eve.

A man walks into a library to check out a book for men with small penises. The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.” “Yeah that’s the one”

How many cats does it take to make a fur coat? None! Cats can’t sew!

Just ate two bacon cheeseburgers, so if anyone wants to come rob me, I won’t be getting up.

What’s the best drink for a dog? An old faschund.