I only have a beard so I can scratch it while I judge.

What does a Mexican duck say? Guac Guac

Parenting 101 1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don’t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

Relax,,, We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.

What is a time travelling vacuum cleaner called? Dr Whoover

If we’re strictly talking body count, then I’m a morning person.

How many feminists does it take to change a light-bulb? THAT’S NOT FUNNY!

I didn’t post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I’ve already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials

Why did the blind lady fall into the well? Because she couldn’t see that well.