[first day as a masseuse] Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after” Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending’”

I’m hung like a baby boy. About 20 inches long, 14 inches around, weighs about 9 pounds.

They say men are 3 times as likely to be struck by lightning than women Because lighting is 1/3 as likely to strike in the kitchen

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

What does a pig put on his cut? Oinkment

What did the god of lightning say after working out for the first time? I’m Thor

An ostrich commits grand heresy against the empire. He is promptly ostrichized. No? ok.

Tried to inhale a pot seed to see if I could grow a pot plant in my lungs. Swallowed it instead and got a pot belly.

I thought for my whole life that air was free… …then I bought a bag of chips.

How do ants hide from aardvarks? They disguise themselves as uncles!