[traffic stop] COP: where ya headed? ME: on my way home COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat* ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

I’m the Jason Bourne of avoiding people I know at Starbucks.

What do you call someone who believes rotten eggs smell bad, but doesn’t care? An eggsy-stench-alist.

What happened to the Marine that took a laxative? He was relieved of doodie.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. Because they always take things literally.

My wife said to me, “Isn’t it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?”

You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.

Did you hear about the guy who was told his genitals hadn’t developed properly? He got a little testy.

I was gonna make a joke about black people… , but it’s too dark.