What did Joe Hill say when someone asked if he was Joe King? “No, I’m dead serious.”

As a cop, I can’t play PokemonGo… So I play Pokemon blacks: Gotta catch Jamal.

My wife said sex with me is like a supersoaker water gun! Just two pumps and a squirt!

Rappers, you don’t have to tell them to wave their hands like they don’t care. They’re millennials: they already don’t care.

A man and his zebra There lives a man and his zebra Jose. Jose is hard of sight. Every morning, just at dawn, the man takes out Jose and askes him “Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”

Choosing between Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods is white people’s real Twilight.

If I learned anything from Forest Gump it’s that people who love to run are retarded.

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM Invisible Hands Adam: shit

Grandad: hey Sonny, what’s the name of that German? Grandson: for the thousandth time grandad, it’s Alzheimer

My friend had one of those novelty leg lamps from the Christmas Story movie, but he lost it recently… Now he’s a lamputee