When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book. This is why I have trust issues.

My best friend kept bragging about his expensive yacht Had to tell him to stop showboating.

did you hear about the cannibal in school? it was a struggle, but eventually he passed the class.

My dad could kick ur dads ass! Um have u seen my dad Hes a big guy huh? No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

What do you say when comforting a grammar nazi? There, their, they’re……

Q. What’s the rudest type of Elf? A. The GofuckyoursElf.

Me: *slides note to bank teller* Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

[doorbell] “Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?” “You have cookies?” “No, sir I-” “Come back when you have cookies.” *closes door*

I lost my job performing circumcisions I just couldn’t cut it.

If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.