If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself. I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

I always heard it was OK to date a nun… as long as you don’t get into the habit.

You know what’s great about being single ? Fucking everything

Chicken Joke Why did the chicken cross the road? -To get to your house. Knock knock -Who’s there? The chicken.

How do you know when you’re eating rabbit stew? When it has hares in it.

I hate when I’m singing along to the Beastie Boys and they mess up the lyrics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.

What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me.

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

I bought my epileptic boyfriend a strobe light for his birthday. He’s gonna have a fit when he sees it.