I thought about opening up a cemetery… but it seems like it would be a large undertaking.

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door* “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Says.” “Says who?” “THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

Why are farmers so wealthy? Because their stalks are always growing.

There are two penguins in a bathtub… One looked to the other and said, “No Soap Radio”

Few things more demoralizing than saying “excuse me” to a mannequin.

The Inventor of Stereo steps back to admire his work and says “Let’s see how this pans out.”

A priest, a rabbi and penguin walk into a bar IT’S THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

What do you call a flightless bird? Joaquin Phoenix.

What’s worse than losing one arm? Losing both your arms.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.