Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can get is bronze.

The lords army. Chad: My brother, why don’t you join the lords army? Bob: I’m already their. Chad: I don’t see you on Sundays… Bob: I’m in the secret service.

Exits public bathroom stall Makes eye contact with the person next in line Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

Your place or mine? Tell you what? I’ll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours.

Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno… I got a bad feeling.

A horse walks into a bar and orders an N.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!? [flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over] me: Yes

What is brown and sticky? A stick.

John Goodman descends from the sky on his hang glider, scooping stray cats into his mouth like a pelican.

Good job I am very surprised that no one has made a 9/11 joke. I would of thought that 9 times out of 11 that I would see one.